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TOTALLY FAKE BASEBALL CARDS II: 29 Albert Pujols cards you won’t see in 2012 … and one you might

By Chris Olds | Beckett Baseball Editor | Commentary

This year’s biggest question in baseball is “Where will Albert Pujols go?” and it’s one that has ramifications for the game, its salary records and, of course, for many a baseball card collection.

In short, it’s kind of a big deal.

Last year around this time, we presented to you 30 totally fake Derek Jeter cards and it was a bit of a server-busting sensation with a quarter-million hits in a single day  … so we decided to do it again. Here are … drumroll … 30 totally fake Pujols baseball cards.

Reactions to the Miami Marlins’ new uniforms have been mixed to say the least … so maybe Pujols will force a change if they really want him to sign? (Unless, of course, he’s too old.) That’s just one burning question. Others might wonder what Pujols would look like in a Yankees uniform? What might he look like wearing Dodger Blue? What might he look like as a Pittsburgh Pirate?

You can see them all on a card that just might — but we seriously doubt it — appear in 2012 Topps Heritage … after the jump.

Pujols signs with the New York Yankees … you know it could happen. Cashman and Co. keep saying they are focused on pitching, pitching, pitching. When’s the last time they passed on an elite slugger? Make him pull a Ruth and play every single day.

Pujols signs with the Kansas City Royals … this one, my friends, will never happen. But who doesn’t like a good steak? Protein is how you get ripped like this home run machine.

Pujols signs with the Oakland Athletics  … this one, my friends, will also never, ever happen. Then again, do we know whether Brad Pitt wants to adopt a baseball team? (Please, Mr. Pitt! Pleeeeaaasee.)

Pujols signs with the Chicago Cubs  … this one would probably prompt fan reactions that aren’t exactly bovine in nature, but c’mon … the first piece of the curse-ending puzzle has to be Pujols. Right, Theo?

Pujols signs with the Pittsburgh Pirates  … this would be amazing — so much so I had to dream up some other (impossible) way for Pujols to end up in Pittsburgh. Can the commish pull out some For the Good of the Game clause or something?

Pujols signs with the Houston Astros  … the fans down there have suffered enough, and there’s a new owner in town. However, my cynical side of reared its ugly head when I built this baseball card.

Pujols signs with the Chicago White Sox  … the Sox signed a big bat in the off-season, sinking a ton of cash into Adam Done Dunn. Can they make up for it this year? Doubtful, but here’s what he’d look like in pinstripes that don’t belong to a team in the Big Apple.

Pujols signs with the New York Mets  … speaking of the Big Apple, has anyone lost faith in David Wright being the New York and hobby savior that many thought he might be a few years back? In my twisted cardboard mind, the Mets find a new No. 5 …

Pujols signs with the Atlanta Braves … it could happen, right?

Pujols signs with the Cleveland Indians  … you know, this team and this city have been cursed a bit too long. LeBron, Brady Quinn, Drew Carey … The Miz? Get Cleveland some star power, stat!

Pujols signs with the Detroit Tigers  … Justin Verlander’s chances of winning the team MVP award, let alone the AL MVP, wouldn’t stand a chance with Pujols. Around. Just saying …

Pujols signs with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim  … Los Angeles is one of those markets that athletes love — but is it this team or the one in the Senior Circuit?

Pujols signs with the Los Angeles Dodgers  … yeah, yeah, we know the Dodgers don’t have any money. But they just signed Matt Kemp! After all the court cases, TV money and parking lot squabbles come to pass … how about we get a real baseball headline out there?

Pujols signs with the Toronto Blue Jays  … an allusion to the Bash Brothers isn’t out of whack here. After all, there’s already a big-bopping Jose in Toronto and Pujols’ hitting coach last year was … Mark McGwire. Too easy?

Pujols signs with the Colorado Rockies  … don’t start Pujolsing just yet — but he might make a better Denver Broncos quarterback. (Just kidding!)

Pujols signs with the San Francisco Giants  … must resist temptation to make a joke about a Giants slugger with a big head. (That reminds me — don’t look too closely at my PhotoChop, err PhotoShop, work.)

Pujols signs with the Milwaukee Brewers  … we all know there’s a real reason why the Brewers aren’t re-signing Prince Fielder. Right?

Pujols signs with the Arizona Diamondbacks  … forgive the too-easy Coen Brothers reference but it’d be true. Turn to the right!

Pujols signs with the Washington Nationals  … who am I kidding here? Love Bryce Harper.

Pujols signs with the Seattle Mariners … and we all love Junior, too.

Pujols signs with the Baltimore Orioles … think he’ll get him some Albert Belle money? Wait, have they even written that deal off the books yet in Baltimore?

Pujols signs with the San Diego Padres  … Champ Kind said it best. Whammy!

Pujols signs with the Texas Rangers  … they just can’t get it done in the World Series. We know somebody who can … well, at least in Game 3s.

Pujols signs with the Philadelphia Philles  … speaking of teams that just can’t get it done of late, this one’s in need of a big-hitting first baseman with Ryan Howard out. Gotta admit the image looks pretty natural doesn’t it?

Pujols signs with the Tampa Bay Rays  … Pujols apparently likes Florida and the team has been a bit of a contender from time to time in recent years. Just saying.

Pujols signs with the Cincinnati Reds … When your newest nickname is “The Machine,” can there be only one destination, right? Keep wishing Reds fans, though I kind of like the looks of it …

Pujols signs with the Boston Red Sox … the Sox are a wicked pissah of a mess right now. And who cares if they already have an MVP-type hittah at first? Sign ‘em now, make somebody thah DH and get thah job done, already.

Pujols signs with the Minnesota Twins  … there are some things that are Minnesota certainties. The Gophers, Joe Mauer and … well, we need something else. Pujols might work — in fact, he might work too well and give Joe a run for his money as The Franchise Hero. That’d be nice to see.

Pujols signs with the St. Louis Cardinals  … of course, this could happen, too. For all the fun we had imagining Derek Jeter playing elsewhere last season he ultimately ended up in the same place he’s been his entire big-league career. Could the same be said for Pujols? I personally doubt it, but it’s one of the 30 possibilities.

Where do you think Albert Pujols will land?

Tell us in a comment below …

Chris Olds is the editor of Beckett Baseball magazine. Have a comment, question or idea? Send an email to him at colds@beckett.com. Follow him on Twitter by clicking here.

21 Comments

Adam Shoemaker

I think the last card is correct. He has lived in STL for 10 years now AND just got a second WS ring, even without the #2 Starting Pitcher (who should be back in 2012). I think he’ll stay w/ the Cardinals and shoot for a 2nd consecutive title.
I’m pretty sure that LaRussa’s motivation speeches from August thru October included the words: “Win the WS and Albert will come back next season!” :D

Posted November 26, 2011 at 8:25 pm | Permalink
XstreamINsanity

I’m sorry, but as a Detroit Fan, I don’t want Mr. Pujols a Tiger. I’d honestly have Jose Reyes come in. Just a thought. :)

Posted November 26, 2011 at 9:08 pm | Permalink
Josh Spence

Really? Griffey who? Come on Chris, you know better than that. lol. No but seriously though, I love Joey Votto to death but I would love to have Pujols swing for the rival reds. We could get some serious talent in trade for him and pujols adds so much talent, and experience to such a young club. I know it wont happen because we refuse to pay big money for anyone but it would be truly awesome!!!

Posted November 26, 2011 at 9:58 pm | Permalink
Nick Tegeler

I am a huge Yankees fan and would love to have him come there. My wife is a huge Cardinals fan and I love teasing her about him becoming a Yankee. I always tell her that we could trade A-Rod to the Cardinals for Pujols since A-Rod is always involved in some kind of drama. Plus we could probably get Pujols for less money. However I don’t think he will end up with the Yankees. Like most people, I will be shocked if he doesn’t just stay where he is at.

Posted November 26, 2011 at 11:21 pm | Permalink
Terry Kwentus

Albert saw how the media crucified him after he left game #2 without speaking to them. the media here in St. Louis does not do that. He is a King in St. Louis. He will be back as a Cardinal!

Posted November 26, 2011 at 11:33 pm | Permalink
steve emerick

A few points of observation from a St Louisian.

1. I think Cardinal management suspects Pujols is older than claimed and that is why there will be no deal offered over 7 years by the Cardinals.

2. That being said I still suspect Pujols takes the hometown offer of 7 years at $200 Million. Get a statue built outside Busch tadium next to Musial and be a 1st ballot HOFer and a lasting influence in St Louis

Now if that doesnt happen.. what teams have money and needs for an aging 1st baseman??
Not the Red Sox who got Gonzalez and Papi , nor the yankees with Texeira

My guesses would be
Cubs, Rangers, Angels

Posted November 27, 2011 at 8:53 am | Permalink
kevin hurt

It would not shock me if the cubs bet the farm on him. but like everyone else I think he will stay. that ranger uniform sure looks nice on him though.

Posted November 27, 2011 at 9:00 am | Permalink
Johhny Romano

I would rather have Ryan Howard @ 1st then have Pujols come in. Why? We have the best pitching staff in baseball and still cant win a World Series and then Paplebons salary. so adding Fat Albert is not gonna improve our ball club anymore, it will just make our payroll rise and make #5 Phillies jersey sales rise, thats about all he would do for Philly…..

Posted November 27, 2011 at 9:50 am | Permalink
JonathanI

As a Cubs fan, I would hate to look down and see an over-priced, over-aged Pujols on the field in a few years knowing we had several years to go on his contract. Please stay out of Chicago (unless you go to the South Side).

JonathanI

Posted November 27, 2011 at 1:18 pm | Permalink

I wish Beckett would stop with these “FAKE CARDS” as it only encourages people to create and sell fake cards to people who think they are real. We have enough deceitful people in the hobby as it is and wish Beckett would not encourage this.

Craig from Texas

Posted November 27, 2011 at 1:31 pm | Permalink

I think he stays in St. Louis from where he should eventually retire.

Beckett,
I’d check the lower left corner of the box you’re storing these in. I can’t believe you don’t have one near mint card to show us.

Zeprock

Posted November 27, 2011 at 5:20 pm | Permalink
Natalie Bubnick

Look at Pujols in the tribe uniform. Him and the Indians go together like peanut butter and jelly. He could bring Cleveland hope, pride , and most of all CHAMPIONSHIPS.

Posted November 27, 2011 at 6:18 pm | Permalink
Nathan Crandell

@Craig Parker I think you completely missed the point of the article, it is a conversation piece and we were all already thinking about it. Bottomline people or dishonest, crooked, and extremely greedy, they would have figured out how to cheat you out of your money either via false baseball cards or by a clever plastic gimmick that breaks and the manufacturing company no longer exists.

@YANKEES (no personal attack) I HATE THE YANKEES!!! I cant express that enough; however, I am thankful that I am almost positive Albert Pujols has too much respect for his home team to leave, and his home team loves him too much to let him go. If the Cards let Pujols go, I dont think it will be like the LeBron situation, where everyone blamed LeBron, I think everyone will blame the Cards and they will lose some of their fan base.

…God I hate the yankees, just had to say it again

Posted November 28, 2011 at 3:22 am | Permalink

Why dont they do a 30 card pictoral of 2006 Bowman Originals Albert Pujols 1/1 fakes. There’s over 30 out there and only a few are real. How many reading this own a B.O. Pujols 1/1? Heck, I think my unborn grandchildren own one.

Last article like this rec’d a quarter million hits…wow. Wish they had ongoing articles about current/past hobby scams. There are so many. So many collectors get taken everyday. If you dont happen to bump into the info on a hobby message board, your’re out of luck. You would think a site dedicated to the hobby would do more to help educate and protect it’s client base.

While they do have articles about scams here and there, a ongoing “Looking out for you” section is warranted. imo.

Posted November 28, 2011 at 8:59 am | Permalink
David Johnson

What’s up with his ears in the Dodgers pic? He has a similar problem with one ear in the Nationals pic, but the rest look fine.

Posted November 28, 2011 at 9:46 am | Permalink
chir perez

i think he’ll sign with anaheim or whatever the angels call themselves these days. i can’t wait to strike this sucka out!

Posted November 28, 2011 at 10:48 am | Permalink
Brian

Gee, you’d think the card manufacturer would have the updated Blue Jay logo…

(I hope he stays in St. Louis)

Posted November 28, 2011 at 12:18 pm | Permalink
Hoppe

I wish it would be for the White Sox’s that would be awesome. But they need to get rid of Adam Dunn hey Pirates or Redsox’s wanna make a trade?

Posted November 29, 2011 at 7:54 pm | Permalink
dante

That card would grade less than 8! Horrible corners and centering! lol

Posted November 30, 2011 at 12:06 pm | Permalink
dante

I think Nathancrandel needs to read the article before he adds comments. It has nothing to do with informing people about fakes! Its a hypothetical article!

Posted November 30, 2011 at 12:08 pm | Permalink
chrisolds

It’s 100 percent just for entertainment, guys.

Posted November 30, 2011 at 12:45 pm | Permalink

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